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TV talker finds it’s time to MoveOn

first_imgIn a related story, Goldberg was unable to defend slavery, which had been indicative to certain parts of the South. What about Little Binky? Members of the Iraqi Parliament returned from a month-long vacation to find that, besides a lack of an oil-sharing deal and their army’s inability to defend the country, they had forgotten to have someone feed the parliament’s pet hamster while they gone. Flowers and donations are requested to be sent to: We Can’t Even Defend Small Rodents How Do You Expect Us To Take Care Of a Country … an Iraqi Hamster Safe House. Yes, damn it, it is hot enough for me! Weeklong delays on the San Diego Freeway were not generated by Valleyites heading for the Arctic confines of the Westside, as most had first thought. “The extra traffic certainly doesn’t help,” said an L.A. Traffic Department official. “But our study confirmed that the real problem was triggered by the thousands of powerless DWP customers attempting to fry eggs on the 405.” Marriage airball: NBA superstar Shaquille O’Neal has filed for divorce form his wife of five years. “I’m very disappointed. I tried my best to make a happy home,” said O’Neal. “Make a happy home?” replied Mrs. Shaq. “He couldn’t even make a lousy foul shot.” Hey, it worked for Sheen: Former senator and “Law and Order” star Fred Thompson officially announced his candidacy for the 2008 Republican presidential nomination on “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno.” “It’s really not a big deal,” Thompson told Leno. “Martin Sheen said it was at most, 26 weeks, then the reruns let you take the summer off.” Thompson said he expects to serve two terms. “Actually, I’ll only serve one term and then let syndication kick in.” What boobs! More problems with Mattel as 700,000 more toys imported from China were recalled. “I always had the feeling her breasts weren’t real,” said former 7-year-old Joy Little, now an insecure, 45-year-old Chatsworth housewife. “But we never knew they were filled with lead paint.” Beverly Hills cosmetic surgeon Dr. Phil M. Withtoxins thinks the toy industry is overreacting. “For years we’ve gotten away with murder breeding bad body image in women,” said Dr. Withtoxins. “And Barbie was our cosmetic-surgery entry doll. Now we’re going to have to just depend on parents reminding their daughters that they should lose some weight.” At least we finally know where the WMD are: A U.S. B-52 bomber was mistakenly armed with six nuclear warheads and flown for more than three hours across several states last week. “Whoops,” said General Major Understatement. “That’s the last time we let Southwest Airlines load our planes!” Finally, Caruso has company: While Luciano Pavarotti’s gifted voice now serenades the angels, we are all fortunate to have his music forever. Steve Young is author of “Great Failures of the Extremely Successful” (www.greatfailure.com).160Want local news?Sign up for the Localist and stay informed Something went wrong. Please try again.subscribeCongratulations! You’re all set! Time To MoveOn? Due to an affliction caused by what doctors say was provoked by an excessive use of the phrases “radical left,” “far-left,” “ultra-liberal,” “fanatical left,” and “far-left loons,” talker Bill O’Reilly can no longer speak. “It’s not so much he cant speak,” said Dr. Focks Noos. “It’s just without those words, he doesn’t have anything to say.” A perkier surge: Next to General David Petraeus brilliant battle plan, President Bush has placed most of the credit for the success of the surge on stationing CBS anchor Katie Couric in Iraq. “We wanted to make the war more huggable,” said the president. “And yet, the cut-and-runners are still determined to bring Katie home before her newscast is complete. Let me be perfectly clear: If Couric leaves Iraq before the job is done, the bad news – and ratings – will follow us home.” Keep your friends close and your Sweet & Low closer: At a campaign stop at a New Hampshire high school, some students told Republican presidential candidate John McCain he might be too old to be president. The 71-year-old senator explained to the teens that age is just a state of mind, then chased them off the lawn and had his son drive him to Denny’s for the early-bird special. Do we really need to be makin’ Whoopi? It took all of 15 minutes in Whoopi Goldberg’s “View” debut to surpass the Rosie O’Donnell plateau, defending Michael Vick’s dog-fighting, dog-torturing and dog-killing guilty plea by saying: “There are certain things that are indicative to certain parts of the country.” last_img read more